


now all i really want is to scream

by tobewritten



Series: what if it cost you your heart? [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But please don't read this if you're not in the right mood, Character Study, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, It really talks about self-inflicting pain, Mentions of self-inflicting pain, Other, Poly, Recovery, f/f/f relationship, mental health, so please, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 03:45:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13022562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobewritten/pseuds/tobewritten
Summary: “Alex,” Lucy called out quietly.but your hands are shaking and the feelings are back and you really just want to punch your fist through the wall.





	now all i really want is to scream

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING. There are mentions of self-inflicting pain here. It's not explicit violence but i don't want to risk any of you. 
> 
> I'm serious. 
> 
> there's some serious monologue and bad mental head space over here. 
> 
> (there's comfort at the end too but please only read it when you're okay. I love you guys. Stay safe please.)

They’re forcing you to go to therapy.

You don’t like it, but you agreed to it anyway. You listened to the orders given by J’onn - nodding almost numbly as he explained to you that he’s basically benching you until further notice - and ignore the pang of hurt in your chest as you wonder yet again

that maybe he, too, is disappointed in you.

that maybe he is just as disgusted as you (and everyone else) that you’re able to kill your own blood without hesitation.

you had nodded your head numbly and headed towards your lab. Even so, they’re making you stay in the DEO instead of out there in the field and it honestly feels like they have ripped apart a piece of your heart.

(if you even had one anymore.)

you didn’t bother to fight because a part of you knows that even if you’re out there in the field, you’ll never be able to hold the gun the same way anymore.

(you wondered when you’ve become so weak and such a coward)

A lab technician knocked on the door to your lab and you only sighed as he gave you analysis of all the samples that had piled up since you’ve been working on the field more so than the lab. For a moment, you stunned, forgetting how to work in the lab - that everything seems so foreign to you that you just... stare for a moment.

Your phone beeped - a reminder that your next therapy session was in half an hour and you should really make your over to the place that’s about 20 min from the DEO itself.

You run your fingers through your hair and suppressed the emotions building up. You really don’t have the energy to travel that far to a place.

“Alex,” Kara’s small, tentative voice startled you.

You looked up slightly before forcing your lips to turn into a smile - it came out more like a thin stretch than you would’ve like but -

“I’ll drive you there?”

Your relationship with your sister had been more on the rocks and tiptoeing on eggshells as the both of you try to navigate through your complications. But you still have yet to stop feeling the anxiety in which Kara would retake back all her apologies and leave you again.

(you can’t go through life without her, but you don’t want her to get sucked back into your own fucked up world.)

You nodded your head to her question and feel the energy draining out of you slowly as you grabbed your purse.

You really don’t want to go to therapy right now.

\---

The drive there was silent. Kara tried to fill in the spaces but you were too inside your head to even pretend that you’re listening to her. You stare out the window instead and counted the number of trees that you’ve passed by.

Your heart feels heavier and heavier, your insides entirely displaced. The world feels too uncomfortable on your skin and you can’t quite place why.

“We’re here,” Kara whispered.

You flinched a little because it sounds a little too loud. You noticed the crinkle in between Kara’s eyebrows and you stumbled out thanks.

“uh, i’ll see you later?” you said as you stepped out of the car.

“of course,”

\---

Therapy... was normal. You talked and shared enough to let the therapist think that you’re doing better and hid the rest of your worries

worries about how you’re scared that one day you’ll come home to an empty apartment that is bare of all things Maggie and Lucy.

or if you hadn’t killed Astra, how easy it is Kara would’ve left you.

or how you know that someday Kara will move to metropolis to be with the cousin that hadn’t shown up in times of need.

or how, you know it’s only matter of time before you pushed everyone away like how you deserve to be in isolation.

how everyone will leave you because you’re too much.

(it amazes you how you’re not locked up in a mental asylum especially since you’re pretty sure you’re on your own brand of crazy.)

So therapy was okay.

it’s just the post-therapy feeling that makes you itch all over your skin.

You ran your thumb across your knuckles and suddenly you’re hit by the feeling of wanting to break every bone in your hands.

you grit your teeth and clenched your fist harder, digging your nails into the palm of your hands.

you just want to feel and driving your fist through a wall seemed almost enticingly good.

instead, you fidget around as you waited for Lucy’s car to pull up.

(maybe Lucy isn’t going to show up anyway)

Your knuckles ache as you stood at the entrance of the building.

god, you really really want to punch something.

\---

as the times tick by, your head becomes increasingly heavy and it starts pounding as the urge to punch something - to feel something - intensifies to another level you hadn’t felt in a long time.

your hands shake. your teeth aches and worst of all, you’re starting to picture of ways you could tear open every inch of skin on your body.

Tears sprang to your eyes and that stings and you know there’s the option of going back inside and telling the therapist everything. But you can’t. You don’t know how.

You don’t know how to shed the armor that you wore since you were a child that had embedded itself into your cells. You don’t know how to lay yourself bare without feeling as if you’ll bleed out alive when you do so.

You wished your mother had taught you how to share about this kind of things.

you wished someone had taught you that you don’t have to fight all the things that threatened to come out. that you’ll make it out okay in the end.

You wish for a lot of things but you know, maybe this is what you deserve.

Lucy pulls up and you jumped as the engine roared you back to the present. You take a deep breath and tried to loosen up your muscles, rubbing your palms together and hope that your girlfriend wouldn’t notice the indentation marks.

(you don’t think you’ll survive without breaking in front of anyone today.)

“Maggie’s cooking dinner,” Lucy whispered, eyes darting to you with an emotion that you can’t quite place.

“thanks,”

a part of your brain registered that it would have been you that should be preparing dinner for them on a Wednesday night. another part of it believes that maybe you’ll end up poisoning them anyway.

“Kara’s coming over too,” you froze. and you released a shuddering breath. your stomach churns and you stopped yourself from pondering why.

_she’s your sister_

but lately, you haven’t treated her like one and that makes you a shitty person and a family member. how can you be treating your sister like that when she, too, is grieving for the man that took her in.

(no. the father you and Kara knew died when you’re fifteen. The Jeremiah Danvers that died was no less than a Cadmus threat; disguised himself as your father and played with your heart like puppets on a string.)

“i’ve been a bad sister,” you mumbled out loud, seemingly forgetting that you’re not alone. you startled at Lucy’s instant reply.

“No.” was all she said and the firmness of her tone left you no room to argue.

you shrugged.

you really wished you could show her the list of all the things she’s wrong about.

\---

The smell of curry hit your nose as soon as you dragged your feet into the apartment. A ghostly smile appeared on your lips and at times like this, you’re grateful for the people around you. your stomach grumbled and if you had the energy, you would have chuckled along with your girlfriends.

instead, you automatically helped to set up the table, pressing your lips to Maggie’s cheek when you passed by her on the way to the utensils.

you planned to do something special for them - for putting up with your bullshit especially, but you also filed that thought at a later date.

“How was therapy?” Maggie spoke, sitting down on the chair by your side and instantly intertwined your fingers together. You sighed and melted and it almost feels like the tension had slowly left your body as soon as you entered home.

“the usual. She keeps insisting on the PTSD bullshit,” you replied nonchalantly, rubbing your thumb across Maggie’s knuckles.

“and what did you say?” Maggie asked softly. You ignored the worry in her voice.

“that I’m technically a soldier so...”

you heard her sigh and you knew she wanted to say something more.

Lucy came over with the dishes and sat across of you. Her eyebrow shot up when she looked over at Maggie and you knew they’re doing one of those non-verbal communication things.

you knew what they’re thinking too anyways.

“i’m getting better,” you stated softly.

and technically that isn’t a lie.

you are getting better - in the way where there’s no more blood on your hands and that you’re starting to have slight control of your emotions again.

You’re also getting better at pushing down the aches in your chest every time you enter the DEO

“i promise I am,” you said a little louder this time, a little more conviction behind your voice.

but honestly, that isn’t the truth.

you aren’t getting better in a way where you’re still thinking of every possible moment both your girlfriends decided that you’re a handful and a burden to be with.

that Kara will spit out the harsh truths to your face again

that getting better doesn’t mean you stopped itching for the alcohol in your system to stop the shaking of your body or how, like earlier today, the urge to ram your bones into a wall until they’re in pieces.

you shoved those thoughts to the back of your mind as you plastered a smile on your face.

Maggie and Lucy glanced at you and you can only hope that they would drop it for now.

\---

Kara ended up unable to join dinner due to Supergirl duties and if relief is one way to describe your feelings...

well, that isn’t wrong.

(you feel guilty for feeling so, and you hate yourself a little more for that.

maybe you deserve it.)

The balcony door behind you slid open and you waited for whoever it was to join you.

It was Lucy.

“you didn’t have to lie to us back there,” Lucy stated - handing you a cup of hot cocoa that you knew Maggie had made.

“are you angry?” was your only reply, emotionless with a hint of coldness.

“no. and neither was i surprised,”

“Maggie?” Lucy sighed, took a sip of her drink, before staring up at the night sky.

“she’s not angry either. Just feeling a bit useless for not being able to help you,”

You turned sharply at that, and there’s anger building up inside you that you had no idea where it came from.

“that’s not her fault. neither is it yours,” you hissed. you gulped harshly on the hot cocoa, reveling in the burn as it travels down your throat. Your hands tightened on the mug, pressing as much force as you could, daring the mug to break too.

“so who’s fault is it?” Lucy prodded on.

and it felt like the anger burst.

or maybe it’s all the displaced emotions that stick to each other and anger was just an excuse to let it all out.

“god damn it, it’s mine!”

you only had a mind to place the mug on the ground carefully, before ripping the sliding door opens.

“Alex,” Lucy called out quietly.

but your hands are shaking and the feelings are back and you really just want to punch your fist through the wall.

“listen. This is just me okay? I’ll be fine. I’ll get better, I promise. you don’t have to waste your time taking care of me okay? I’ll be fine,” you said through gritted teeth.

you need to get out of there, need to find a place where you won’t intensify the worry of your girlfriends.

you clenched your fist tighter, dig your nails into the skin, but it wasn’t enough.

god, you really ache for it.

you can’t believe how weak you’re feeling, can’t believe how out of control you’re spinning.

“Alex...” Lucy’s voice was louder now, and it startles you. You jumped back, turning around to hide from Lucy.

you can’t hide the fact that you’re trembling as you try to take control of the emotions swirling inside you.

and it’s then you made a snap decision.

“I want to be alone,” you mumbled. And then you’re leaving.

\---

Before,

you would have gone to the spare room or what you would call the makeshift mini-gym.

the spare room that kept all your gym equipment - especially Maggie’s punching bag.

you would lock the door, blast the speakers into the room and threw yourself towards the punching bag.

and you punched and punched and punched and -

Now,

you went to the boxing gym down the street instead - a place that a fellow agent had recommended with something along the lines of ‘No one goes there except for people like you and me.” You signed up for a membership instantly since your first recon and since training in the DEO had become nothing but suffocating, nothing but people breathing down your neck just waiting for you to break.

and

fuck.

you need to drown out. there are so many whirlwinds inside of you and you just want to drown out everything.

fuck.

you don’t know why you’re so angry or why every emotion seems to be building up but all you know is that you need to let it out.

_god, you want to scream!_ you want to make it go away. you want to let it out.

you didn’t hear the doorbell and the sound of rattling under the loud music bouncing through an empty gym.

and you didn’t realize someone entering the room, until a figure slipped behind the punching bag, steadying it as you threw another punch.

your arm froze mid-air as your mind registered Maggie was in front of you.

god, you’re so fucked up and weak.

you can’t believe yourself even.

you recoiled back your arm and hid your hands behind your back, sure that bruises were already forming. If you’re lucky, Maggie wouldn’t have noticed that you hadn’t worn gloves.

(but Maggie’s a detective, you dumb fuck.)

unlike what you expected, Maggie hadn’t said a word. She silently let go of the punching bag, before gently cradling your hands.

your eyes glistened as you waited for her to berate you.

(in your mind, she’s screaming at you; telling you how fucked up you are. How you’re making it hard for everyone. that god damn it, Lucy and her have had enough with this bullshit. that you’re so hopeless that they don’t even want to bother anymore.)

your heart clenched and you pulled away, sucking in a shaky breath. The stuttering beat of your heart pounded underneath your skin and you’re this close to breaking apart at the seams.

you just want it to stop hurting.

it’s been weeks. How come things aren’t getting better? How come you’re still so god damn weak?

“I want to be alone,” you gritted out.

you want them to leave. you want them to go while they still have the chance. you want them to just stop wasting their time on you.

because you know you’re holding them back. you know there’s so much they could do once their attention stopped being on you. and fuck, you’re holding them back.

“no,” Lucy’s voice was sharp and yet so gentle.

You shake your head, sliding down the wall at the far end of the room, knees pulled up and covering your face with your hands.

(why can’t they see they’re better off without you? )

You didn’t dare look but you could feel their presence as they dropped to the ground beside you, almost an arm's length away.

you sighed. They’re too stubborn for their own good and you know that’s why you love them so much.

your hands throbbed and you feel the start of the swelling. The pain spreads out from your knuckles to your fingers and you hissed silently.

your girls still kept their distance from you and you appreciated that of them. You breathed in deeply, steeling your heart and just trying to get yourself to calm down.

it took you a beat

and then another

and you find yourself blurting out instead.

“I didn’t think twice about killing him,” was what came flying out of your mouth.

The room stilled.

it’s the first time any of you brought it up since what had happened. you figured it’s long overdue and that you can’t actually keep it inside anymore. (and maybe they’ll see the reasons why they should leave.)

you continued softly as the silence goes on,

“I wished I could say I hesitated enough to think it through; to think of the consequences and everything. But I didn’t. The only reason I didn’t shoot him instantly was that I... because I was shocked,

“I wasn’t really surprised he was going to betray me though. I knew the other shoe was going to drop. That it was too good to be true,”

you sighed out in defeat, wrapping your arms around your knees as you stared at the opposite wall. It was a long pause before

“i just didn’t expect him to betray me - us - _like that_ ,”

the silence settles for a moment and you find yourself feeling lighter than before yet so twisted up inside. You need to keep going. It’s out in the open and you need to keep pushing it out of you.

and if you’re being honest with yourself, you don’t feel the crushing weight on you as much as earlier.

you carefully pick the next words carefully but you know there’s no other way to phrase it. you’re afraid of so many things and you’re giving them the opportunity to leave now, that at the same time, you’re not sure if you could live without them.

The silence dragged on. You want to pretend you’re alright but you can’t find it in you.

and they deserve to know.

it’s soft and full of emotions when you said it.

_“i don’t regret killing him.”_

your eyes flutter close as you waited for the inevitable. but all you heard was shifting and

“Al, baby, can we touch you, please?”

you nod your head. (if this is the last time then let it be ingrained in your mind forever).

Their hands touched yours and you let them caress the bruises on your knuckles and let them kiss every inch of your skin.

“you’re not a bad person for feeling that, Alex,” Maggie whispered, cradling your cheek now as she pushed a piece of hair behind your ear.

you stared up at her as your eyes start to water.

“i’m not?”

“God, baby no,” this time it was Lucy as she starts burying her nose into the crook of your neck.

You melted and you surrendered yourself to their soft touches.

(There are tears falling freely down your cheeks and Maggie kisses them away. )

“you’re not a bad person,” she said again, pressing her lips to your temple hard. You shuddered and remained passive as they shower you with their love.

“i love you,” you whispered.

you’re worn out and drained and you let your head fall onto Lucy’s shoulder as she starts playing with your hair soothingly. You let them sandwich you in between until you find yourself slipping. You grasped them tightly and let their rhythmic touch lull you.

“i love you. I’m sorry it took me this long,”

“it’s okay baby. I love you. we love you,”

“we won’t stop loving you as long as you let us,”

and for the first time in a while, you drifted off into a sea of calmness.

You still have to tell them more. They still have yet to understand the baggage that you’re carrying and eventually, putting on them. There are still a lot more to talk about.

But it’s the first step. It’s the first real step and maybe talking isn’t so bad after all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and give any kudos if you guys like it! 
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
